Women, what happens when YOU make more money than him? How Women make it an Issue

This is the third post in a series about the dynamics of finances in the home.

It’s such a critical issue in a successful marriage.
Now, I think that BOTH men and women contribute to making it such a big deal or issue when the woman makes more money but it shouldn’t be that way. Oh and NO ladies….not all men are intimidated by successful women.

Corporate woman pointing forward -ID-10092725

Image courtesy of StockImages at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

If you haven’t caught up yet, dig in to the first two here:

Joint Vs Sep Accounts:-The underlying relationship issues we are not talking about: http://bit.ly/IjustMetMe-JointVsSepAccounts

Men, what happens when She makes More money- How men make it an issue: http://bit.ly/IJustMetMe-WhenSheMakesMoreMoney

There are some very dangerous thoughts that many women hold towards men. You see, I understand why they have those thoughts. They are defense mechanisms against the jerks out there and those defense mechanisms are so powerful they make the National Department of Defense look like child’s play.

All men want is sex— Men can’t be trusted— Men always want to be in control— Men are only visual— If you allow a man, he will walk all over you— DEMAND respect from a man (He won’t give it freely) —You must look out for yourself or else you’ll get the short end of the stick— You must work to never depend on a man—men are intimidated by successful women….

Yes…sometimes these are true. Yes…those defense mechanisms protect against the wanna-be men out there that violate the trust and responsibility that God has placed in us men for women. I understand.

The problem though, (and I see this quite often) is that as a woman, you can spend so much time operating by these thoughts…these rules…they can get so ingrained, that you carry them into a relationship and infect it with relationship Ebola.

Now, sure I admit (as I said in the last article), most men will confess that they prefer to make more money than their wives. It’s natural. But ladies… let me say very quickly that this is not because all men want to suppress you or anything like that but I think that most men and especially good men out there simply want to have the means to take care of you and provide for you…because we (and society in general) tend to measure our self-worth by how well we can “take care of you” …and that can be a really good thing or at least its coming from a good place right? Read on

In the last article, I let the men have it. I told them like it is and I am going to do the same for the ladies because the men are not the only ones at fault when it comes to the drama that often occurs when you the lady makes more money. Let’s look at how you ladies contribute to making it an issue, and how you SHOULD think about and manage it.

It is also important to say that the shoe of all these points won’t fit ever woman. If one does, wear it and adjust. If none do, that’s great too. Simply enjoy the read and certainly share your thoughts in the comments.

So…Women…How do you contribute to making it an issue when you make more money:

1.You equated his right to lead to the size of his wallet:

There you were thinking of how this man will come into your life and take care of you…buy you things, take you places, spoil you and make you feel desired. But then God blesses you and you begin to thrive and make more money than him and suddenly, in your eyes, that man starts to lose the right to lead as the head of the home. Unconsciously, (long before you married him)you reduced the essence of him to “the size of his wallet” long before you found yourself in a position where you were making more money and now its hard to give him respect.

When you equate a man’s ability to lead you and your home to the size of his wallet, you are saying he needs to BUY the right to lead you…and by thinking like this, you reduce yourself to a product. Something that is acquired by the one that can afford it the most. And that’s unfortunate because God has created you to be so much more… a partner. Tobi Atte

When you boil a husband’s respect and leadership in a home down to money, you are saying to God “Hey lord, I know you put him a head of the home but since I am making more money now, I’ll take over that role.” Tobi Atte

Here is the thing though. Many women don’t even know that they  think like this. Why? Because many married women married their husbands (or at least said yes) to him when he was doing ok for himself. Get it? …because things probably wouldn’t have gotten to the point of a wedding (or a YES) in the first place if he wasn’t at least somewhat doing well for himself.  So they never had  a reason to REALLY challenge themselves about the relationship between “leadership and his wallet” UNTIL she suddenly starts making more than him.

2. You are an impulsive spender, you have not really mastered restrain and delayed gratification:

You don’t want anyone to tell you that you can’t buy that shoe even though you already have one in every color already. On a deeper level, what many women are doing is that they are leaving the “future” for the man to worry about but they want to spend today.

3. You have not learnt to stop competing with your friends and focus on building your marriage:

God forbid you look like a victim in the gossip session next week with the girlfriends. God forbid if you don’t have a new dress going into that party next week.  You rebuke any chic (friend or foe) that comes looking better than you to that wedding next Saturday.

Think about this: If your husband (and this is true for most men) can be up front with his friends and say “Hey guys sorry I can’t come out with you guys next Friday…things are kinda tight. Rent is coming up and the kids’ fees take priority.” But YOU can’t say that to your girlfriends because God forbid they think you and your husband don’t have enough to spend and splurge…THERE IS A PROBLEM.

Many women have not learnt (1) To pick the friends that will not put social pressure on them and (2)  The thick skin to withstand the cattiness, side comments, side looks and nastiness that other women can throw her way. So she spends to maintain impressions.

Be grounded in your own skin. Surround yourself with good friends who you don’t have to keep proving anything to. Friends who don’t show off to you and put unnecessary pressure on you. The ones who  don’t make you feel like you have to prove your girl power/independence as a woman but who make you feel like its ok for you to take time to build  a HOME however you and your  husband decide to.

4. You lied. Big time: Liar Liar skirt on fire!

Here are some of the lies:

4a) You are not a Proverbs 31 Woman: Nope. Sure you’re successful but that doesn’t make you a Proverbs 31 woman. Because you see, part of what makes her this woman is that her success does not belittle others in her life….ESPECIALLY her husband.

In fact Proverbs 31:15 says “She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.” More importantly, it says in vs 23 that “Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.” Meaning that he is respected BECAUSE of HER success. It’s a thing of pride for him. By the way…the notion that men are intimidated by successful women is false.

Today’s good man WANTS a successful woman. He just doesn’t want to give up his respect because you have more dollars ~ Tobi Atte (CLICK HERE TO TWEET THAT)

4b) Yes you DO care about how much money a man makes: In fact, you are almost bipolar about this. Sure in public or when asked, you say “I don’t really care if I am making significantly more than my man…as long as we love each other and he is working hard”. Sounds romantically correct but in actuality, how many of those men have you actually dated? How many of those men do you actually give the time of day? You say that you want to build together with your man but you also say that you want a man who has himself together.

Have an HONEST conversation with yourself. Whatever you decide is probably fine. Just own it so that you stop lying to yourself and these men.

4c) No…you are not really ready to submit: Let’s just park that one there. We could be here for 4 pages :o)

Stay with me here ladies… remember I said at the beginning of this article that the shoes won’t fit every woman. If it does, wear it gracefully and make adjustments. If it doesn’t, fantastic…use the article as a discussion point with your friends. OK…Lets keep going.

5. Your preferred gender role is RECEIVER (You are selfish):

You are an expert at receiving…dates, gifts, compliments, attention, effort on the guy’s part to prove his love to you,  asking where you want to go for dinner, guys paying for dinner, and so on.

Think about it… how many times have you called your long term boyfriend or even husband (Yea the one that has been stable in your life, gone to the moon and back for you, been good to you…) and said “Hey I’m picking you up at 7 tonight. Wear that nice shirt I bought you and that cologne I bought you. I’m taking you out to your favorite steak restaurant.

Now take this woman who won’t do this when she is making about the same amount of money as her man and then give her even more money (so she is now making more money than him) and you guessed it… that self-focus will become even more glaring.

Again, many women (even those who will say they are in happy relationships) don’t even realize they are this way because they simply see “receiving” as a gender role. He pursues, I am pursued. They think “He loves me that’s why he is doing all those things for me- he is such a god man…forgetting that he needs the same thing back too. So when she starts making more money, she just simply doesn’t know how to take care of her man and do for him what she would expect him to do for her if he was making more money. She has no experience being in a position consistently thinking about the beyond-basic needs of a man. She’s always been on the receiving end of that attention.

7. You are making him pay for the sins of other men (Both the ones you have dated and the ones you have never even met but only heard about.

Let me ask you some very simple questions and I want you to take a moment to think about them.
-When you think of the horror stories about men that you have heard from other women…have you PERSONALLY met those kinds of men?
-Have you ever been treated in the ways described by what you read/watch?
-In those horror stories other women describe, did you consider that woman’s own part/contribution to that outcome?

Am I saying that there aren’t terrible guys out there? No. There are plenty. What I am saying is that when it comes to money (and other areas of the relationship actually)…

Be careful that you are not seeing men only through the lenses of others women’s pain. It will make you punish an (or your) innocent man for the sins of other men …men that have never hurt you directly. Tobi Atte

Seeing men only through the eyes of other women’s pain makes you defensive, it will make you have trust issues and it will make you operate your own relationship in SELF PRESERVATION instead of TRUST and PARTNERSHIP. So when a woman like that starts to earn more than him, she sees an opportunity to protect herself from “a certain type of man” that her own man may not be.

One final thought on this for the singles ladies out there…just to tell you how even spiritually toxic some of these pre-existing notions/issues could be…

You get on your knees and you pray to God for a good man… who loves you, who respects you, who is a good provider and a devoted follower of God…one who can lead a family, be a good manager of the family’s resources and so on.

Yet…you have not dealt with these thoughts you have inherited from other women. You still hold in your heart that you must make your OWN money so you never have to answer to any man.
Yet… You keep friends who you are addicted to impressing. Friends who will give you the victim look/speech at the very mention that you are in a disagreement with your husband over some financial choices you wanted to make.

God doesn’t rob Peter to Pay Paul.

There is that poor guy on his knees praying to God for a good woman, one he can lead Gods way, praying to God for financial breakthrough so he can provide for his future wife (you) , praying to God to make you both successful so that you both can achieve great things for his kingdom.

Now tell me…why should God give that kind of guy to you?

Why will God look at a man who is praying for wealth (so he can take care of his family) and give that man a woman who is praying for her own wealth so she can keep it away from that man?

Why should God look at a man who is praying for the strength to lead and totally love a woman like Christ loved the church, and then give that man a woman who doesn’t have the intention to submit totally to that man in all areas?

So…how should think of this…what thought processes should you maybe have when you make more money?

A) You ARE supposed to be successful. It is a blessing that you are able to contribute to the common purse to achieve the goals you and your husband set for the family. Don’t look at your success as if it is an anomaly that you are successful. You are supposed to be. It’s part of what you bring to the marriage. Your success is a blessing for the marriage. It is an additional tool that you simply have been tasked with to bring to the equation.

B) REALLY REALLY take a moment and prayerfully ask God… Why have you given me THIS particular man as my husband? Why have you placed him in my life as the head of this home? Focus on THAT reason(s)…I bet that it’s beyond the size of his wallet.

C) Learn to differentiate between a tight/selfish man and one who has the fortitude for delayed gratification. A man is not tight fisted just because he says no to your new purse or new curtain idea…or just because he doesn’t rush out every month to buy you things doesn’t make him “tight” or selfish especially when he is pouring funds into things that have long term value. This helps keep the right perspective so that when you do start making more money, you don’t go on a revengathon. Now if he is wearing crocodile skin shoes while your shoes have holes…different story.

There you go. Again, ladies, not all these will represent you. Simply take the ones that do and use them as opportunities to reflect.

So which of the points above resonated with you the most? Which one got you thinking? Don’t forget to like IJustMetMe on Facebook!