Don’t Just Say I Love You … on Valentine’s Day, Have These Deep, Meaningful Conversations Instead

Vals day
So…its that time of year again where we are supposed to celebrate love and buy roses and go on dates and express our love and all that good stuff. It’s going to be a madhouse at flower shops, gift shops, and restaurants… and that’s all good.
There is one thing though, that I have noticed about V-Day: There is so much help out there about what to DO but not enough help on what to SAY or HOW to say it.

Sure you have that someone else wrote that seems to capture what you want to say in a few words….but as you know deep down inside, that can’t replace that deep 30-minute conversation when you are fully connected, vulnerable and actually communicating.That’s why I have put this topic list together. It’s a list of the deeper, more meaningful things to say (or conversations to have) on V-day (and even beyond).

I GUARANTEE you that these conversations will make your day memorable and your relationships deeper and more authentic.

So beyond the Cliche “I love you very much” conversation, have these instead (or at least add them).

Pick one… (or a couple) of these topics, think about your relationship, and add some meat to them and watch your partner’s heart swell like a birthday balloon at a party store.

Here we go:

1. How can I be better for you?
Truly listen here. This is not just about taking down a list of things they say. This is about showing that you are committed to doing your own part in making sure that they are not just happy in general, but that they are happy in the relationship. This is one is great for when you are in a good place. Yup. Because it also shows that you are not assuming that you are perfect. If you are in a bad place, this might not be the one (Because the assumption is that they have already told you the answer to this questions many times.)

2. Will you please forgive me?
This is one of the hardest ones but also one of the most meaningful ones. It works all kinds of ways. Like When there is something you did recently or even a log time ago that you have not truly, genuinely or fully apologized for. If you are doing this, don’t hold back on the words and MOST IMPORTANTLY, let your body language match the apology. Few things are more annoying and disrespectful as when someone is apologizing but look like they don’t really want to.

3. You’ve grown so much in the past… (whatever time frame)
This will hit the spot when your loved one has been in a self-defeating loop or self-growth journey. Specifically when THEY have admitted to some personal flaws in the past and have been pretty hard on themselves about it. OR maybe they are working on something that requires improvement….or change (learning a new language, losing weight, settling into a new promotion..etc) This shows that they are supported. It gives them the gift of hope and progress. You have to be specific though. So think about HOW they have grown or improved. This is priceless on V-Day

4. You make me feel secure
This is a BIG BOY/BIG GIRL conversation. So whether you are the giver or the receiver here, it requires maturity. It is so a bonding topic because it requires vulnerability on the part of the person who says this. It means that they can trust the receiver with their hearts. What this conversation is really saying is “As long as you love me, I don’t care what others think of me”. Yea….so if you are on the receiving end of this conversation, you are OBLIGATED to take it very seriously. RESPOND with just as much vulnerability and assurance. Let them feel good about saying that and PUT YOUR PRIDE IN CHECK. (One more thing – This works both ways but coming from a man, this will make your woman melt faster than Ice cream in the Sahara)

5. If I had the choice to do it all over again, I’d still pick you
Wowza. This conversation is about weighing the overall – long term happiness/benefit of the relationship above the individual moments of frustration. You are saying “I see our relationship from 30,000 feet as opposed to 3,000 feet”
You should also be specific here. In fact, if you can, think about some bad moments and think about some great moments, and then express how the great moments are worth the smaller bad moments. And then (and this is important) end the conversation by saying that if you have had such great moments despite those bad moments, imagine how much greater your moments will be if you both work a little harder to eliminate bad moments.

6. How can I support you more in your vision for your life?/ How can I support you more in your life goals?
This is how you elevate your cute romantic relationship to the one that power couples have. This is major. You want to be serious here. You want to give at least 20 min for this conversation and be ready to be engaged. You see, beyond love, people have visions for their lives and in fact, people pick lovers not just because of how they feel but because they see that person contributing to their vision for life. By asking that question, you are making it clear that THEIR dreams are just as important as yours. Let me tell you…that could be more powerful than saying “I love you” a hundred times.

7. Here are my top 20 (or whatever number) things about you/ Here are my top 20 (or whatever number) I appreciate about you
Can’t go wrong here. It’s cute but still requires thought. It’s great for new relationships and it’s great for well-established relationships and marriages. Make it fun. Make it specific. Make it real. It says you are choosing to focus on the good. It says there are specific benefits to you for being here and that you are here in this relationship because YOU want to be here.

8. I remember 5 years ago when you told me (………) I’ve always held on to that/It keeps me going
Let me tell you. This conversation is like rain in the desert. It’s an armor piercing love bullet that goes straight to the heart. You will get so many points from this, you won’t know what to do them.
This conversation rides on the power of words. You’ve heard that before but hear it from me. Words matter. The thing is, we always forget (or feel awkward/too prideful/too vulnerable) to let the people whose words made a difference in our lives, know it. Not this V-Day.
Be specific about HOW their words made (and continues to make) an impact on your life.
By going as far back as you can, you let them know not only that you listen to them (and hence respect them), but that their words carry life for you and therefore, it’s not just that their words matter…..but that THEY matter. They will be floating on cloud nine all night.

Now….you want to know what’s great about these? You can still use them even if you are not in a very good place in your relationship. They can be great starters for the even deeper, not-so-cute conversation you need to have to make your relationship better.

So for example,

-You’ve grown so much in the past one year especially in area X. I really appreciate all the effort you have been making to make that adjustment. Thank you. Is it OK if I bring up something else that have been causing me a bit of frustration lately? OR

-How can I be better for you? (Listen) and then say “Is it OK if I mention a couple of ways you can be better for me?”

So…good luck and have a BONDING and MEANINGFUL Valentines day