You took YOU with you

Why do I always get cheated on in relationships? Why do I always have trust issues in relationships? Why can’t I find a “good man”? Why can’t I find a woman who will just respect me for who I am and who I’m trying to be? Why are all bosses such bricks? This is a conspiracy. All the good men ARE taken.

Women are not from Mars, they are from Hell. Men are so disgusting! Bosses are such *^%$!%^!!. You stand there in front of the mirror after you’ve gathered yourself in the aftermath of this most recent break-up, heart ache or episode of mental/emotional frustration. Another one bites the dust.

Really, why does this happen to me? You ask. One relationship after the other, one person after the other seems to have so much to offer and then this happens. You break up…they cheat on you…or you lose interest and run away. You quit the job, they quit the relationship. You emotionally (hopefully not physically) hurl the glass vase at the wall.

You’re starting to see a trend and it doesn’t feel good in the pit of your stomach. You always seem to be frustrated with the things that are important in your life. Your relationships, your job, your education and so on, and one after the other, they seem to never just be good enough.

Over and over again, something comes up that can’t be resolved and you find yourself alone again, doing the secret cries we all do when we are hurting on the inside. Bathroom stalls, kitchens, on the pillow. We replay the scenario over and over in our minds. Why didn’t this one work out? Was it because of the same issues as the last one that didn’t work out?

Thank God for friends. They can be some real good band-aid when you need them to be. They tell us “it’s not you” “you’re a great person and anyone would be happy to have you” “You just need to get through the bad ones to get to the good one”. They tell us (Quite confidently too) that “we don’t need to change” and that “we deserve better anyway”.  Our support system tells us that there is a better person out there that will appreciate us for who we are. So, stuffed like thanksgiving turkey with some feel good girl talk or homeboy ego boost, we carry on, dust off and keep it moving. On to the next relationship….project…job…business venture…church. They try to help us heal. I admit…that does the soul some good. It’s great to have friends who stand by us and help us heal from the hurt.

Sometimes though these things we tell ourselves or hear from our friends are just band-aids to cover a deep cut. Could it be that that the real reason why your relationships keep failing or you keep getting bad bosses, is not an external one but an internal enemy? Here is what I’m saying:

YOU TOOK YOU WITH YOU

Think about what it’s like when you move. You pack all your crap into boxes and have them compartmentalized, labeled and taped up. You leave nothing behind. It’s hard to. So many things have a memory or the other. The picture frame you got on your first vacation 8 years ago, your favorite tape dispenser, the mug you won at the Christmas party at work 3 years ago…the list goes on. We pack them all and move into our new home. Then we cut open the boxes and hang up our old clothes and find a spot for our favorite picture frame and yes…our plastic tape dispenser. Our space has changed but our content hasn’t.

You ended the first relationship as the same person you were when you started it. You moved out with all your crap, and then you started the next relationship as the same person as you were when you ended the last one.

YOU didn’t change. You just simply moved into the next place with all your old stuff.

Your space changed but your content didn’t. You took YOU with you.

You ended the relationship, project, job or whatever, and folded the sweater of your personality and character neatly into your going-away suitcase, and moved out.  Then you whipped it out in the next place and hung it right back up.

We work so hard on becoming the good person that we are (at least so we think) that it’s so hard to take a hard look at ourselves and have honest conversations about changing. We are our own biggest fans and that fan club is strong with banners, theme songs painted faces and matching t-shirts.

So we have our hurrah talk with ourselves: No. It can’t be me. I’m not the problem. It’s the other person. It’s my boss…it’s my business partner. I’m not asking for much…only to be treated with more respect. I’m not a perfect person but I deserve someone who WANTS to be with me. After putting up with all his/her cow dung, I deserve some patience too. Why can’t people be a patient with me as I am with them?  Why can’t my boss appreciate what I do for once? We could go on for days.

Those thoughts are like a super cute puppy that we found at the dog pound and are emotionally tied to.

So we throw our nose in the air and forget that past relationship. We label it as the past and forge on to look for that better person who will treat us better, and we take our cute puppy of thoughts nicknamed “superiority complex” with us into our next relationship…job…business venture…church or wherever. No change from who we were before…just good old fashioned “looking at the next person to be the best person they could be …for us”.
Unfortunately, we find out that a cute puppy is still a puppy and comes with a headache. So that cute puppy of thoughts about ourselves follows us into the next relationship and it pees on the carpet, poops in the kitchen and sheds on the expensive couch of our new relationship…job…project…venture…church.

Dump the puppy of superiority complex thoughts and have a HARD, LONG conversation with yourself –about yourself. GENUINELY seek to take stock and improve as a person. Unless you’re Jesus there is always room for improvement in your character.

Here is the takeaway:
–If you are seeing a negative trend that is consistent in your life even though your environment is changing, you have to look within: You have to change your content. It’s like moving to a new place. We always pack all our things and just restock our new place with old crap. Don’t do that from relationship to relationship. Whatever you do, don’t take the old YOU in its exact form, into the next relationship.

–You have to start right: The REASON(S) you enter any relationship, job, venture etc, plays a crucial role in its success. Take a job just because you don’t have a job right now, (not because you actually have an interest in that position) ,and it will pay your bills just like you want but it will not satisfy you, hence you will not invest in it and because of that, you won’t grow in it. Start a relationship just because you don’t like being alone and this person “sort of” fits the bill (not because you were fine being alone but CHOSE to add value to someone else while they added value to you), and that relationship is on the highway to frustration.

-You have to die…a little: That’s a whole new article…coming soon