You're Under Arrest!
It must be illegal to be single. It looks like the time is coming when you’ll be driving down the interstate singing your favorite tune or bopping to that jam with the sunroof down until you look in the rear view mirror to find flashing cop lights. Some curse word explodes out of your mouth and you pull over. You’re trying to figure out what you did. Your eyes flash to the speedometer and it’s not that. Your seat belt was on. Whatever. You pull over and the cop makes his way over, and asks you if you’re single. Dazed, you answer yes, and he shakes his head and proceeds to tell you that you are under arrest and reads you your rights.
“You are under arrest for being single, for not having “someone”. You are charged with not going with the culture of just having a boyfriend or girlfriend for the sake of having someone. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do about your singleness can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have a right to an attorney to explain why you are still single. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you. Isn’t that how it feels sometimes? That you’re missing a societal limb if you don’t have a significant other.
You find yourself thinking:
“If I see another couple snuggling at the movies I’m going to barf. If I see another teenage couple swapping spit on the beach or in the mall, I’m going to walk up and hand them brochures for the Hilton.”
For some of us, the frustration is even more. But why? Aside from the occasional sight that makes you yearn for your own snugglebuddy (whatchuknowboutdat????), there are some other deep factors that make it even worse to be single…that make it harder to be single and OK.
CULTURE:
Add “Single” to any two combinations of the following and I might as well just leave this section blank cos you’ll be able to relate: Female over 26, Male with a college degree and a Job, African, the first child over 27, have a married younger sibling, have friends that your parents know…who are married.
Culture makes the pull so much more powerful and makes it so much harder to be single and OK.
MENTAL AND/OR EMOTIONAL BOREDOM:
You see, if your time and your mind are not occupied…If you don’t have much going on, you’ll feel that pang so much more. Now I don’t mean filling your time with mindless and pointless activities just to kill time because that won’t get you very far. It will be unsustainable and a drag real quick. What I do mean is to fill your time and your life with things that matter to you or to the world around you.
Find a cause you’re passionate about, dust off that recreational activity you loved so much a while back but got “too busy” to pursue. Start a venture around something you enjoy. Get more active in the community. All these things will take some of your time off “Boredom” and take some of your heart off the need to be in a relationship.
The other benefit of that is this: If you follow the formula above (Do what matters you to or to the world around you), you will grow. I guarantee it. You will grow mentally and in character, and your sense of self will get such a boost. GUESS WHAT! You will be more attractive for it. You will love yourself more for it and others will have something more than your looks or possessions or any other fleeting attributes to be attracted to you for. There is just something about someone that is “DOING”.
YOUR FRIENDS ARE DOING IT:
Peer pressure hides behind the fact that what your peers are doing is good for you too. Sometimes it’s true but not true YET, and that’s the case with this issue. Being in love is good. Having someone to call your own and snuggle with, who cooks your meals or does your oil change, who you can have passionate sex with in marriage without sinning as a Christian and all that…are all very good. But it may not be true for you YET. They say that relationships are like a city under siege. Those in it want t get out and those outside are trying to get in.
YOU GET ATTENTION FROM THE OPPOSITE SEX:
This is often not talked about but here it is –
It is so much harder to be single and ok if you are constantly getting attention from the opposite sex.
Let’s break it down.
It is very frustrating for a person who is getting attention from the opposite sex, to justify being single.
When you’re always getting “the look”, you start to feel more and more, that there is no reason to be single. As a Christian, it becomes a bit harder to remember that the purpose of getting into a relationship is to fulfill a higher purpose. Many women handle this by always having a man but then it gets to a point where you fear being alone because you’ve always been with someone but you fear being with just anyone because you don’t want to have to start over again a year from now. This applies to Christian men too. For both men and women, even when you want to do it right, all this attention from the opposite sex makes it harder to be ok being single…it makes it harder to wait.
YOU ACTUALLY KNOW A THING OR TWO ABOUT MAKING SOMEONE HAPPY:
You’re the woman that can make a man thank his stars….you know how to protect a man’s pride…you cook a bad meal…you have the patience of a saint… you can turn a man into a boy in your arms. Your whispers in his ear can start and end wars. OR You’re the man who can use God, Sade, strawberries, and chocolate in the same sentence. You can be a protector… a comedic relief and a leader. You have principles that make King Leonidas of the 300 Spartans look like a schoolboy. You were the guy Percy Sledge sang about in the original version of “When a man loves a woman”…You can connect to a woman’s soul.
It will be hard to be single. I don’t only mean that from the perspective that it will be hard because you will have options (although that’s true), I mean that from the perspective that if you did decide to wait for the right one and the right time….it’s going to be difficult and frustrating because you can’t wait to do these things for someone so they can fall more and more in love with you.
Yea…it will be hard to be single. I don’t only mean that from the perspective that it will be hard because you will have options (although that’s true), I mean that from the perspective that if you did decide to wait for the right one and the right time….it’s going to be difficult and frustrating because you can’t wait to do these things for someone so they can fall more and more in love with you. You are a natural giver and you need that outlet.
You desire to be loved and you know how to do certain things to fan a person’s love-fire for you. It’s the desire to be loved at play and it’s a strong, natural desire. To alleviate all that, your REASON for waiting on the right person and right time must be a deep strong one. The reason has to be higher than you. That’s the only way you’re not going to succumb to the need to “JUST HAVE SOMEONE”.
YOU DON’T KNOW THAT SIDE OF GOD:
I don’t just mean that you don’t know “of “him, because it’s possible to know of him but not know him. It’s even possible to know him but not the part of him that has a vested interest in connecting you with the right person for you. Many people see God from the perspective of the “Warrior God” or the “PUNISHER” God who doesn’t want you to have any fun; Many people forget the “LOVE ORCHESTRATOR” part of God. If you haven’t read it, read (or read again) pound for pound one of the best love stories ever! Ruth chapter 2-4
JUST REMEMBER:
1. YOU DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT ABOUT YOUR SINGLENESS. YOU DON’T HAVE TO GIVE AN EXPLANATION ABOUT YOUR SINGLENESS TO EVERYONE WHO FEELS THEY NEED ONE.
2. YOU MUST BE INTENTIONAL ABOUT MAINTAINING AND PROTECTING THE PART OF YOU THAT WANTS TO BE THE BEST FOR THE PERSON YOU WILL END UP WITH.
Too many times I meet people who have been single for a while and have allowed their frustrations of singleness to reduce their lovability. They become less and less approachable, they become more and more arrogant and unfortunately, they cause the continuity of their singleness.
EVEN THOUGH YOU’VE BEEN SINGLE FOR A WHILE, YOU NEED PROTECT THE LOVER IN YOU. THIS IS SO THAT WHEN THE RIGHT PERSON COMES, THEY WON’T FEEL THEY WERE LUCKY TO HAVE A REMNANT OF WHAT YOU COULD HAVE GIVEN THEM…RATHER, THEY WILL FEEL LUCKY THAT GOD PRESERVED ALL THE LOVE IN YOU JUST FOR THEM.
SO..
– Have you ever felt you’re in any of the situations above or met anyone who has?
-Any other ideas on how to fight the urge to “just have someone”